He knows best

Dear diary, lately I have the mood to write. Hmm..why eh? We were having Research Meeting today and I came a little late preparing another two plates to run (after you Chin Hong, :-)). I text a friend and a former housemate about meeting her and seating next to her during the meeting. I thought someone else might have taken my seat as I arrived in the auditorium, all the seats seemed to be taken. I didn't even see Azrieda. I just took one chair outside and seat randomly with the other officers. 

I don't really remember but I think, after the briefing itself, it was time to take a break. I looked for Azrieda and fuhh..the seat is still safe and we're gonna be seating together after the break. It's nice that I get to meet up with friends as all the ROs from different division were coming together for the meeting. Husna, Nida, Aisyah, Wani and Nazira. Since we're all from different lab or division, we're rarely got to meet during usual office hours. 

After the break, we have a few presentations from the senior officers to listen to. I was only concentrated on the first two presentations and after that.....:-). I did not sleeping, I was just talking to well..of course Azrieda. While my mind was somewhere else...thinking about something, she suddenly asked me about..something...Haha..funny, as if she reads my mind. I just laughed and be honest about it. 

I didn't expect (honestly), that it's like the time has come for me to think about it seriously. It's not that I never think about it, it's just that, I thought I should focus my mind on what's more important. How can I not think about it. I think...I've been thinking about it since at school. Not that I was too eager, just that when I noticed my friends were having a partner, when we were at school, I was just thinking...why? (or should I call myself stupid for asking that?). Because, they were so much to do during that young age. More than anything, I just feel like..my family are the people I want to spend as much time with even until now (even though I'm getting old). And friends..are like treasure..even if sometimes I did got hurt..

I  received all these critics. There are some people who thinks how pity of myself to have never have a partner before..(that's what I think she might be thinking about me, whether it's true or not, I don't know). Hey..I do have feelings. Was it that pathetic? For those who knows the syariat, they appreciate it. Some friends..consider myself as..demanding..so, you want me to what..? Yeah...whatever. Some, who was just got married, yeah...whatever, I don't even want to bother what you think about me. 

And for those, who is still being a loyal friend, despite all those things..I really appreciate it. Sometimes, I don't even know if my so-called-loyal-friend is truly being loyal. And for those who accepts me as myself, I thank you. I'm tired and wasted energy, thinking about this. I should be grateful and I really am grateful for still being loved by my family and my true and loyal friends. Speaking about friends, I had a wonderful lunch with Dr Shawn Cheng, Dinaiz and Nabilah today eating vegetarian food at a lovely restaurant not far from our work place. Thanks for inviting me, Shawn..:-). 

I do not have the right answer for now. Maybe, there is no right answer for this. I am happy, it doesn't mean I throw that thing away..I do have the effort (for me and for him and mostly Him). It hurts sometimes, yet, I do have Him. He knows best..:-).

Does age really matters?

I am actually in the middle of doing one of the house chores right now. Feeling quite burned up and tired, I'm taking a rest for a while by writing a little bit about what I had in mind. I don't know how to start actually. Cause..I wonder if I might be judged because of it..

Where ever we go, especially to a new place, whether it's new school, a new work place, we'll sure meet new people which come from different background. It's really nice to make new friends, building up new friendship. When we were at school, we meet people of the same age. We called them, our peers. Usually, at this time, we only or most of time spend time with them (our peers). Moving on to the university, we usually happened to meet those from the same age as well. Some of us might have the experience entering the university and end up mixing around with people from different age. As we go along, we enter the working world where we end up mixing around with those who might have been in there for ages while we are just starting. 

I don't know how to express this. It just that, does seniority really matters? Well, I guess to some people the answer is yes. Can we really judge someone based on their age? or maybe their attire? When I first start my first real job, I was shocked with all these questions. Funny, when people judged me according to their own thoughts about myself as if they really know me. Do you? Funny, when they simply judged me while they barely know me. I read a  quote in a book, "We always see people as we are, not as they are". 

When some people, simply compare me to themselves during their young age, I don't know what they had in mind but I just feel like "Why?". Why do you have to compare myself at this time with yourself at your time? If it's necessary, I may understand. But sometimes..why? I appreciate this one story I read in an email. Our life, ourselves shouldn't be decide by other people.But our own self. People can say a lot of things based on their experience, it doesn't mean we have to follow without filtering. God creates each of every one of us with talent. We may be at lost sometimes and it's good seeking for good advice. Yet, I believe each of every one of us has our own way of dealing with things. It's really hard to be a good listener because we always tend to speak more about ourselves rather than listen patiently to what other people have to say..Isn't better if we can first seek to understand to be understood?

I don't know what's the purpose of me writing this. I just feel like it is not fair if we simply judged someone based on what? their age? their look? their attire? I've learnt my lesson. But I've seen so many tend to feel superior because they are older and have the tendency to suppress the young ones. I understand that the young ones should respect the older ones but isn't it nice if we can respect each other as human beings? as a person? I read in someone's twitter that "A person's maturity cannot be judged based on their look". I kind of agree with that. 

I feel sad because..as the most junior worker, there are times when I feel like being treated as if I can't handle things. Being told this and that, simply being judged and being advised as if I didn't know anything about it. I do have my experience too. Sometimes, out of humbleness and respect, I tend to agree and didn't say anything about it even though it does effects how I feel about that person and sometimes, myself. Maybe I should learn to express myself more or maybe not...cause I believe, they will see it for themselves. That way, they can think about it themselves.

A new journey

Dear diary, it's already Friday and I'm here at home writing up my post. My mum is cooking the kitchen and my brother was just getting up from his sleep (dear brother..). I asked Dr Lee yesterday about not coming into the lab today cause I think I'm getting confused and lost here and there about the idea of my project. I've been referring to a few journals and a proposal of my senior and okay...I need to read a real thesis from the previous students and that's what I did in the morning. 

I woke up a little bit late and as usual, I drank some water to detoxify,  taking a bath, have some breakfast (guava fruit and delicious chocolate milk) while watching Super Show 3 at Yokohama. I've been watching this DVD concert over and over again. Oh dear Kyuhyun...I'm so in love..:-). In fact I love all of them..:-)

The weather this morning is nice and calm. It feels like...maybe not like but reminds me of the good weather at Genting Highland (well..Genting Highland is not so cool anymore). At least, it helps to motivate me to read better at the Bilik Sumber. Alhamdulillah, someone do their duty today and it seemed like I was the only students (hehe..student-will-be) in the room. I did find a few thesis which somehow related to my future work and my eyes caught for one author whom a paper I've been referring to. Thank you Allah, even though he's work wasn't similar to mine but the idea is still there. Sadly, we are not allowed to borrow any thesis even if I am registered as a student. Not just yet..And Chin Hong, I did find your thesis..:-)

It feels good to be in there reading and my mind slipped here and there thinking about friends I may be able to meet up after that. I was thinking about having lunch with Emy or Ida. But then, I feel like visiting the Green House and I think of Dayah. I text her about that and Alhamdulillah, she could spare sometime. We met at FST cafe, having lunch together along with her friend, Farhana and she accompanied me to pay a visit the the Makmal Biologi Tumbuhan. She even gave me a ride. Thanks dear..:-). Dear Allah..help me to prepare myslef for this new journey as a postgraduate student at UKM (..hehe..again..). Please make ease for the journey. Help me to make friends with good people to get through this. Amin..:-)

I do have some plan for this evening. I guess I'm gonna try to look at the proposal again and see if anymore idea is coming and I will probably be going to Alamanda to get myself some stuff. Hope I can still some time for exercise and tomorrow..I'll be going for a Seminar. Hope to learn something from the expert..:-). Until then..

Bermujahadahlah..

It's Friday afternoon and guess where I am? In....my....BEDROOM! Yeehaaa..writing up here in my blog in my bedroom..heaven man..Seronok sangat lepak-lepak dalam bilik sendiri in the weekday. I didn't take any leave today, as I did went to the lab in the morning to finish the purification work then I rush to get back here as I plan to go to Bilik Sumber, Faculty Science and Technology, UKM. I do hope that someone will do their duty today as it's pretty hard for me to this rushing thing all the time. Sometimes, I do feel like being in the rat race (as my dad always says). I plan to take a look for previous thesis which might help me to write more on my proposal. Dear Allah, do help me..:-)

I don't know why. This is the second time I had this feeling. It's not a good feeling. I know..and I appreciate it when people turn their way in for the better. Trying to become a better muslim, trying to become a better woman, trying to become better in whatever their had set their mind to. I want to become a better person too. A better Allah's servant, a better muslimah, a better daughter, sister, scientist, friend. I remember Saidina Ali's sayings "Rugilah orang yang hari ini sama dengan hari semalam". Kalau boleh, mestilah nak sentiasa lebih baik dari semalam. In everything..our attitude, the way we talk to people, how grateful we are, how do we talk to our parents, how do we treat people around us, our ibadat to Him. 

It's just that sometimes, I was wondering how sincere we are in doing that? It is best if we could purify our heart and think of only good thoughts. Berbaik sangka..It is hard. It is so easy to cover our aurat, but it is so hard to purify out heart into doing it for the sake of only Him. It was hard for me myself to really cover myself according to syariat. I force myself. Sometimes..it takes an x-factor to do that. I guess realizing that as times goes by I no longer a little girl who sometimes (or maybe most of the times) do as she pleases,  I am becoming a woman. One day, I will get married (kalau bertemu jodoh, insyaAllah) and I do not expect my future husband to see me as I was before. A naughty little girl (or he might love me because of that, haha). And most of all, I am a muslim woman. I live according to the syariat I've been believing since before I was born in this world. I've been forgetting it somewhere along the way. But the point is, didn't we do all that for Him? 

When I was at school, after solat Jemaah at Asrama Puteri, one of the student always mentioned about "Saya lakukan ini kerana Allah". That time, I was wondering and kept wondering, what exactly she meant. Up until now, I believe I am still trying to understand, how is it really feel when you do what you do and you know that you do it because of Him? I keep reading and researching, attend Majlis Ilmu. And...it helps. Along the way, I started to understand. Yet, I still need to keep on learning. Maybe, what I feel (as I mentioned above) is His way of telling me to be persevere and remind me if I really do it for the sake of Him. He knows best even though I have my own desire. Yupe, He knows best..

Sometimes..I feel like being in a competition where everyone wants to become better. But, at least do not condemn others who are still trying (I remind myself about this). At least, do not condemn other people if we are trying to be better because the others might be struggling harder than we are and maybe one day that person will become way better than us. Everyone is trying to make themselves a better person (or maybe not). And, it makes me wonder if I really do it for the better of myself and mostly because of Him. I do feel at lost sometimes..I guess this is what we call bermujahadah. When we do good things..there will surely ada suara-suara sumbang yang akan menjatuhkan semangat kita. Well..bermujahadahlah..He will surely help us. Purify our hearts..and I think it is all that matters..:-)..Right..:-)